Your parents are completely different than mine. Mine were each raised in small rural villages in southern China. As you mother was a picture bride, etc. However my father did leave behind a whole novel he handwrote in Chinese before my mother immigrated. It took him 2 years to write it in evenings after restaurant work shift.
I had to look up picture bride because I don’t think the definition quite fits my mom as they never intended to marry. It was meant as a fling until she got pregnant. Maybe war bride might be a better fit since this occurred during the Vietnam War.
That’s fascinating that your dad wrote a novel! Do you have any idea of its contents? Have you talked about your parents journey to Canada before? I recall bits and pieces from your blog, but I don’t think I have the full picture, or it’s very possible I forgot.
I'm behind on my reading, but maybe that's made this piece even more interesting because I read this episode and the comments. The other nuanced part of Asian culture I've seen/felt is the strategising, quiet planning that's often underestimated. Seems to me that both your parents were good at that!
It’s not meant to be, which means, I have some work to do rewriting this. Or I have to accept that different folks will read from their point of view and infuse their own understanding into situations. Nevertheless, a good lesson and reminder.
Lani, Just read your piece and the comments. I don’t think you need to rewrite, and I might be a little naive, but I don’t see it as a class/color thing too. People are just relating to it from their own experiences and where their family upbringing sits on the scale of calm to messy to chaotic. I’m working on a memoir myself, and it wasn’t until I started sharing stories from my upbringing that I had normalized (because it was what it was) that I realized that my childhood spent some time on the messy to chaotic side of things. And that’s okay. Showing how your parents communicated with each other in these ways is (what I perceive to be) an interesting part of the story. This is their humanity. It shows that the smiling people in the pictures also have these sides to them and I want to know and explore them more. Don’t change a thing! Appreciate you sharing. I just subscribed.
Awww, thanks, James. I appreciate your nuanced reply. Yes, I began to wonder if the antipathy towards the gun had to do more with American politics than anything else. Sometimes it’s difficult to separate how we feel about something from a story, or something that occurred in the past. I’ll be stopping by your substack, and thanks for subscribing! 🙏
That's a powerful last scene, Lani! Not having been brought up in the vicinity of guns, it feels scary to me, though I know you think of it as symbolic. The machete vs gun contrast stands in well for your parents' evident differences, including belief systems, though it's interesting how that also unites them as both being willing to go to extreme lengths to establish boundaries.
Who's the saint and who's the sinner? Or were they each a bit of both?
Yeah, I think both the exposure to the story over the years, as well as growing up as a military brat has taken the "severity" out of the incident. I also believe that some people (cultures?) are more … how should we say this … physically expressive than others.
Growing up, I saw my mom as the sinner (as the gambler) and my father as the saint. But the reality is, they’re both. Thanks for reading along, Jeffrey, and your thought-provoking comments.
I know what you mean about people in diffrent cultures expressing themselves differently (though individuals’ differences are at least as big). I think the physical is always there, but the gestures can vary a lot.
This is a tale of two complex personalities and you unravel them for us with great skill, especially your dad. I so understand your frequent returns to that book, looking for more clues, something that would provide further insight - very touching. (Also, the fact that you had to endure endless card nights as children and learned to just accept, was somehow also moving to me.)
Was all this wrenching to write? The entire piece feels full of emotions that are new, freshly birthed to me. I do come from a bit of a strict "silent" family so all this is quite wild and unsettling. (The horoscope and Tarot-ish stuff is fascinating though and not unfamiliar!)
So much to comment on Lani but will leave it at that as I dive back in for another read.
Your dad seems (and looks) like a thoughtful and sensitive man.
Thank you, Sue, for your insightful and thoughtful comment. I wish I could remember the process, but I knew I needed to share how different they were. Maybe it came from listening to Mom’s perspective and having my own experiences with Dad to go up against. This wasn’t as difficult as the following chapter. Thank you for noticing the details, Sue. You’re the best!
Hi Lani, I have jumped into the middle of your memoir for my first read. I can relate to the melting pot of cultures or should l say boiling point where saint and sinner might become one? Intriguing and a blessing to be able to look back at our parents as people, aside from their role as Mum and Dad. Thank you 🙏
I like how you picked up on the title. Yes, we all have both on our shoulders, don’t we? And thank you for reading, I’ve been wanting to share their stories for some time now. 💓
😂 Yes, I was telling the story to a colleague to see his reaction and he said it reminded him of the dad who is talking to his daughter’s boyfriend while showing off his gun collection. 😂
Uhhh what a chilling ending to your mom's 'fun nights out'... and your dad looks so handsome and gentle and 'innocent' on the photo! I guess it was an effective way of letting her know his boundaries.
My mom laughs whenever she tells that story, and equally when she chased him down with a machete. I suppose in this day and age it's taken too literally and seriously, but I tried to explain that no harm was done! If anything, mom's gambling habit was the problem... I need to do better explaining this perhaps.
no you explained it very well! And I totally understand that in different times and cultures the same actions need to be read in different ways (as long as no harm is done). I know some families where it seems totally normal that people shout at each other and have raging conflicts, and it is considered normal. In our family anyone raising their voice would have triggered a high alarm signal... My parents perfected the skill of raising eyebrows to dangerous heights instead 😰 🐉 😅
I’m always in awe of folks who were raised in households were no one yelled. What good role models. I liken the gun event to a father who’s talking to the young man taking his daughter out for a first date, while showing him his gun collection. You know, just casual like. 😅
not sure about 'good role models', but yes, everyone did their best. My parents were both raised in households reminiscent of Victorian England middle class (or the German version of it) where adults played their assigned roles, husbands and wives lived almost in separate worlds, and children were to be seen but not heard. And of course there was household staff (which explains how they could cope with so many children...)
In cultures where nobody yells, there may be a lot of suppressed internal conflicts. Throw a hefty dose of Christian Protestant work ethics into the mix, you might get an atmosphere where everthing seems 'cool, calm, on the outside'... while nobody is allowed to speak their truth, and everyone is scared of conflict.
But I know what you mean. I also rather not have a 'casual gun collection' in the house 😅
Ha, watch out for any lady with a knife the size of your forearm, whether it's got little teeth or big ones! Great stuff, well told, Lani!
Watch out, indeed!
Your parents are completely different than mine. Mine were each raised in small rural villages in southern China. As you mother was a picture bride, etc. However my father did leave behind a whole novel he handwrote in Chinese before my mother immigrated. It took him 2 years to write it in evenings after restaurant work shift.
I had to look up picture bride because I don’t think the definition quite fits my mom as they never intended to marry. It was meant as a fling until she got pregnant. Maybe war bride might be a better fit since this occurred during the Vietnam War.
That’s fascinating that your dad wrote a novel! Do you have any idea of its contents? Have you talked about your parents journey to Canada before? I recall bits and pieces from your blog, but I don’t think I have the full picture, or it’s very possible I forgot.
All we it's a domestic type of novel. Not sure if it contains a love story. I did mention in a blog post, that my mother was a picture bride and I was their lst child 18 months after they married in Canada. There is a heirloom black and white photo of my mother cheongsam holding baby me. https://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/2021/08/06/bumping-into-personal-stories-moving-from-museum-exhibits-to-identity-anti-asian-sentiment-and-activism-part-2/
I’ll check it out. Thanks.
I'm behind on my reading, but maybe that's made this piece even more interesting because I read this episode and the comments. The other nuanced part of Asian culture I've seen/felt is the strategising, quiet planning that's often underestimated. Seems to me that both your parents were good at that!
Ha! What a wonderful way to put it. Thanks, Victoria. You’ve helped to make my day! xo
What a chilling ending!
It’s not meant to be, which means, I have some work to do rewriting this. Or I have to accept that different folks will read from their point of view and infuse their own understanding into situations. Nevertheless, a good lesson and reminder.
Lani, Just read your piece and the comments. I don’t think you need to rewrite, and I might be a little naive, but I don’t see it as a class/color thing too. People are just relating to it from their own experiences and where their family upbringing sits on the scale of calm to messy to chaotic. I’m working on a memoir myself, and it wasn’t until I started sharing stories from my upbringing that I had normalized (because it was what it was) that I realized that my childhood spent some time on the messy to chaotic side of things. And that’s okay. Showing how your parents communicated with each other in these ways is (what I perceive to be) an interesting part of the story. This is their humanity. It shows that the smiling people in the pictures also have these sides to them and I want to know and explore them more. Don’t change a thing! Appreciate you sharing. I just subscribed.
Awww, thanks, James. I appreciate your nuanced reply. Yes, I began to wonder if the antipathy towards the gun had to do more with American politics than anything else. Sometimes it’s difficult to separate how we feel about something from a story, or something that occurred in the past. I’ll be stopping by your substack, and thanks for subscribing! 🙏
That's a powerful last scene, Lani! Not having been brought up in the vicinity of guns, it feels scary to me, though I know you think of it as symbolic. The machete vs gun contrast stands in well for your parents' evident differences, including belief systems, though it's interesting how that also unites them as both being willing to go to extreme lengths to establish boundaries.
Who's the saint and who's the sinner? Or were they each a bit of both?
Yeah, I think both the exposure to the story over the years, as well as growing up as a military brat has taken the "severity" out of the incident. I also believe that some people (cultures?) are more … how should we say this … physically expressive than others.
Growing up, I saw my mom as the sinner (as the gambler) and my father as the saint. But the reality is, they’re both. Thanks for reading along, Jeffrey, and your thought-provoking comments.
I know what you mean about people in diffrent cultures expressing themselves differently (though individuals’ differences are at least as big). I think the physical is always there, but the gestures can vary a lot.
This is a tale of two complex personalities and you unravel them for us with great skill, especially your dad. I so understand your frequent returns to that book, looking for more clues, something that would provide further insight - very touching. (Also, the fact that you had to endure endless card nights as children and learned to just accept, was somehow also moving to me.)
Was all this wrenching to write? The entire piece feels full of emotions that are new, freshly birthed to me. I do come from a bit of a strict "silent" family so all this is quite wild and unsettling. (The horoscope and Tarot-ish stuff is fascinating though and not unfamiliar!)
So much to comment on Lani but will leave it at that as I dive back in for another read.
Your dad seems (and looks) like a thoughtful and sensitive man.
Thank you, Sue, for your insightful and thoughtful comment. I wish I could remember the process, but I knew I needed to share how different they were. Maybe it came from listening to Mom’s perspective and having my own experiences with Dad to go up against. This wasn’t as difficult as the following chapter. Thank you for noticing the details, Sue. You’re the best!
Hi Lani, I have jumped into the middle of your memoir for my first read. I can relate to the melting pot of cultures or should l say boiling point where saint and sinner might become one? Intriguing and a blessing to be able to look back at our parents as people, aside from their role as Mum and Dad. Thank you 🙏
I like how you picked up on the title. Yes, we all have both on our shoulders, don’t we? And thank you for reading, I’ve been wanting to share their stories for some time now. 💓
We do have our own ways of communicating, don't we? ;)
😂 Yes, I was telling the story to a colleague to see his reaction and he said it reminded him of the dad who is talking to his daughter’s boyfriend while showing off his gun collection. 😂
Uhhh what a chilling ending to your mom's 'fun nights out'... and your dad looks so handsome and gentle and 'innocent' on the photo! I guess it was an effective way of letting her know his boundaries.
My mom laughs whenever she tells that story, and equally when she chased him down with a machete. I suppose in this day and age it's taken too literally and seriously, but I tried to explain that no harm was done! If anything, mom's gambling habit was the problem... I need to do better explaining this perhaps.
no you explained it very well! And I totally understand that in different times and cultures the same actions need to be read in different ways (as long as no harm is done). I know some families where it seems totally normal that people shout at each other and have raging conflicts, and it is considered normal. In our family anyone raising their voice would have triggered a high alarm signal... My parents perfected the skill of raising eyebrows to dangerous heights instead 😰 🐉 😅
I’m always in awe of folks who were raised in households were no one yelled. What good role models. I liken the gun event to a father who’s talking to the young man taking his daughter out for a first date, while showing him his gun collection. You know, just casual like. 😅
not sure about 'good role models', but yes, everyone did their best. My parents were both raised in households reminiscent of Victorian England middle class (or the German version of it) where adults played their assigned roles, husbands and wives lived almost in separate worlds, and children were to be seen but not heard. And of course there was household staff (which explains how they could cope with so many children...)
In cultures where nobody yells, there may be a lot of suppressed internal conflicts. Throw a hefty dose of Christian Protestant work ethics into the mix, you might get an atmosphere where everthing seems 'cool, calm, on the outside'... while nobody is allowed to speak their truth, and everyone is scared of conflict.
But I know what you mean. I also rather not have a 'casual gun collection' in the house 😅
Your sense of humor shines through, Lani. I love your original writing style.
Thank you, Moorea! You've made my morning! xxoo
OH, don't worry, Maureen! It's all about reading between the lines.
😂 Oh, good!