A mini-memoir life

#1 stupid is as stupid does

Rites of an aggressive girl

From Sweet Valley High books to Seventeen magazines, I have learned that a young lady should be aggressive.

Although, before I read any of those things, I punted my friend Bobby in the quail eggs just to see what would happen. He collapsed in agony, cupping his omelet and baby carrot with his face frozen in a silent scream.

I say baby carrot because we were in grade school, and on that day, I was the bigger dick.

But between the Wakefield twins and all those fashion magazines, I had no idea I was under the influence to go after what I wanted with the programming that Hollywood movies provide. Because it wasn't until my high school friend, Lava, called me aggressive that I realized who I had become.

My friends and I were by the cafeteria, and I was telling them how my date with Rob went. How we went to Sizzlers, and then a movie, how we walked and talked, and how by the end of the night, when I was dropping him off in my Isuzu Impulse, it looked like he wasn’t going to kiss me.

I had fun. Yes, me, too. Well, I need to go now. Yeah, me, too. But my eyes were insulted to see him go for the door handle after he gave me a weird hug, how dare he, so I grabbed his shirt and pulled him towards me for a smooch.

I wanted the fairy tale ending, but just like the first and second brother in these types of stories, I lacked the patience, faith, and trust. I was the Taurus bull in the china shop, pushing, pulling, and plowing until eggs cracked.

all photos are by author unless otherwise stated

Know your audience

During my young adult years, there were many times when I had to introduce myself on the first day of class, or to a group of strangers. I relished these because they were opportunities when I could make people laugh. Of course, I was terrified that my humor would fail, so whenever it got closer to my turn to speak, my heart would start racing.

“Hi, my name’s Lani. My sun sign is Taurus, my moon sign is Libra, and my rising sign is Virgo. And according to the Mayan calendar, I was born on the day known as blue crystal monkey.”

I used this one a lot, and it always got chuckles, because most people, when asked to share something about themselves, usually mention their interests or where they’re from. One time a classmate jumped in, “I have a Libra moon, too!”

My friend Thomas, though, really got our theatre group rolling when he said, “Hi, my name’s Tom, and I’m an alcoholic” , and I had been chomping at the bit to use that one ever since.

An opportunity arrived, or so I thought, when I was doing my Waldorf-teacher-in-training practicum on Whidbey Island, Washington. I had hit it off with the 4th and 5th grade teachers. They were funny guys, but it was a little scary to be introduced to the rest of the faculty. It was Halloween because several staff members where eating candy.

When it was my turn to speak, I smiled and said, “Hi, my name’s Lani, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Nobody laughed, but the 5th grade teacher, my mentor, started choking on his candy.

Girl power

It was one of those college parties. My friends Kari and Mary and I ended up at a house where we were the only girls—and that felt strange.

In the basement, there was very loud music, a strobe light, and a bunch of dudes tipping back cheap beers. At first, we thought it would be fun to dance, you know, looking awesome under the strobe light, but then Mary and I got tired and decided to take a chair. Then we all ended up watching Kari. She flung her long brown locks, giggling, slithering and sweating sexily, exploring what it feels like to let go.

Meanwhile, I became acutely aware that we were in a room full of young men in various states of inebriation, surrounding Kari. Uncomfortable, I wanted to go back upstairs, but Mary gave me a look which meant we had to stay. We were protection I realized, we couldn't leave, not with all these boys, not with Kari exploring her femininity and the power that comes when all eyes are on you.

We were told one in four women will be raped in her lifetime, so we watched our friend become a spectacle of her own naive choosing, and sobered up just-in-case.

It is what it is

While dining, we started talking to the waitress we see on occasion. I think her family owns the restaurant. Anyway, we were remarking on her good English is (we were in Lamphun, Thailand), found out she had a tutor, but then she turned her attention to me.

She guessed that I was from Hong Kong, Singapore, China, etc, running through the usual list of “Where could this woman possibly be from?” After I told her Hawaii, she didn’t miss a beat, she pushed further, “But what about your family?”

Now, if this line of questioning was in the States, the young lady would have been considered rude, racist, and pushy, but in Thailand, it’s cute, charming, and funny.

Rites of an aggressive girl #2

“Well, what happened? Did you call?”

“Yes,” I said, groaning into my free hand.

My girlfriends and I had been waiting for the term to end. I had a crush on our Child Psychology professor, and we’d all been waiting for the grades to come in, so I could finally ask him out.

“God, you’re killing me, Lani. What did he say? Did he say no?”

We were all adults here. This wasn’t undergrad, if it was, I’d never dare, a simple crush would do. He was nice and after the last one, I wanted nice.

“He’s gay.”

A pause and then a burst of laughter. “I’m sorry.”

Stifled giggles, more laughter, more apologizing.

Maybe men do pick up on your energy. I thought about the time in class when I stared at his open patch of chest until he clasped his shirt closed. It seemed unconscious as if he suddenly got cold in the Hawaiian heat because he continued to lecture, but his gesture was enough to interrupt me mentally undressing him.

Two out of three girlfriends laugh, by the way, when you tell them the man you’ve been crushing on is gay.