How to be an Edgy and Thought-Provoking Asian American

Rice, rice, baby

My transformation into Japanese sci-fi immortality. [Gamera vs Guiron, 1969]

// Own the Bowl Haircut – Why should childhood trauma still haunt you? Bring a bowl to the salon and tell them to do it. Bonus points if you are a woman, or you do it at home. Post on social media. #iamthebowl

// Eat raw ramen out of the package at a public space like the bus or the park, and stare down anyone who makes eye contact. In fact, just stare down anyone while you break off pieces of ramen to feed your inner hungry ghost. And yes, yes, put the seasoning on it. You’re not an animal.

// Wear radical t-shirts! For example: Fermented fish is my jam, Made in American, I am the bowl, Keep away, I have a Chinese disease – dragonass!

// Launch into a soliloquy about Chinese genocide, Year Zero, or the honorable disembowelment of samurai warriors in dental waiting rooms or elevators.

// Go around telling people what their Asian tattoo means. It’s good to start gently, with a “that’s a shame” under your breath or a “tsk, tsk” accompanied by a head shake. (Do not point and laugh. We ran for ten blocks to avoid an ass kicking.)

// Casually interject into conversations a quiet, rational, but fervent downplay of the amount of sugar in bubble tea drinks.

// Demand the repatriation of the U.S Railway system to the Chinese (and Irish, I suppose) who built the damn things. Bonus points for singing John Denver’s “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad” as a protest chant.

// Support local Asian American business by standing in front, coaxing customers to come in and have a look. Don’t hesitate to hand out fliers with the owners’ origin stories.

// Learn to say select phrases in your family’s native tongue and shout them during sporting events, graduations, weddings, and crowded coffee shops. “Don’t eat up the time!” “Your body odor is offensive!” “Go to college and get a job!”

// At car washes and in front of window cleaners, mime “wax on, wax off” from The Karate Kid.

// Distribute your Asian American friends’ CVs or business cards at Kumon tutoring centers, hospitals, or Trader Joes.

// Enjoy a little wordplay when ordering at Asian restaurants. “Yes, I’ll have the miscellaneous leftovers,” or “Can I have the roll that looks like a caterpillar?” or try a direct translation of pad Thai, fried Thai. Pad Thai? No, FRIED Thai, F-R-I-E-D Thai, Fry Thai, Fry the Thai! Shout if misunderstood, works for Aunty.

// Call everyone “little sister” or “uncle”.

// Put a sign on your car that says, ASIAN DRIVER, then, kick back, relax, and enjoy the wide berth on the highway.