Lovely piece! love the photos of your dad (also your grandma is so fabulous!). I used to never cry - I always thought I was dead inside but since I started therapy and opening up being vulnerable I cry all the time (like an overwhelming amount, it's kind of embarrassing). Its like 20 years of holding in my tears are coming out. Everyone processes sadness in different ways and different times so I try to embrace all my emotions.
I’m so glad you’re finally letting it all hang out, so to speak. This is so important, I believe, to release pent up emotions as a way of processing them. Thanks, Ellina, xo
Gosh this is so beautiful. I read somewhere (I believe it was Lama Rod Owens) who mentioned that the earth can hold your emotions. If it's too much, ask the earth to hold it for you. Maybe the tears are energy we release. And we need this passing and receiving of energy to feel and be alive. At least, that's my interpretation anyway.
Thank you, Sarah. ❤️ I have never heard of the 'Earth holding our emotions' and asking her to hold it for you. That's profound and a gentle way to ask for help. Yes, we need to release all those pent-up emotions and for women, it's tears. It's so obvious when you put it that way. 🙃 Cheers, xo
Meaningful story that is beautifully written! I feel like I got swept along in your memory. I am someone who used to keep all the tears inside her too, but now I allow it to flow, though I still have the automatic urge to stop it, old habits die hard, but I will take over and allow myself to continue crying. It does the soul good. I just wrote about how I have dealt with grief for now. But an unanswered question still plagues me. I too ask myself this question a lot too, and still, after my dad passed on two years ago, on where is he now? Where do we all go? Will we ever meet again?
Thanks for the restack, Rachel, and for your words. Yes, I believe it does do the soul good. Sometimes I feel cleansed, for lack of a better word, after crying. Maybe it's just the sinuses 🙂 And yes, the mystery continues, but that's okay. It's all part of the cycle of life. I'll check out your post, cheers.
Beautiful, Lani. I love seeing the photos of your father with that beautiful smile. You favor him, I think. I am perhaps the weepiest person I know, except for a cousin of mine--so maybe it's partly genetic. (Also probably partly perimenopause.) Did I tell you about basically weeping while getting Ross Gay to sign my copy of his book, The Book of Delights? There were things I wanted to say, like thank you, and you have brightened my world, but I mostly blubbered. It was embarrassing but I had a lovely friend there with me who was like, you're OK. I'm so sorry you lost your dad so young, and if there's anything right in the world his spirit is someplace really wonderful where he can get a glimpse of you anytime he likes!
Thanks so much, Rebecca. I've got a story to make you feel better about Ross Gay. And I'm glad you had a friend with you and Ross was probably quite touched. 😘 So, this happened when I went to The Mall of America, which had this Peanuts themed (park???) inside and when I saw Snoopy (yes, I know there was a person inside), I teared up. I have a photo of the two of us and you can see my glistening eyes. 🫣 I know, I'm a doofus. But glad to meet another sensitive soul! xo
This is beautiful and vulnerable and so lovingly human. Thank you for sharing. My mom was often told she was too sensitive. She was also left-handed and as a child treated horribly by teachers because of it. I definitely have a few harsh words to say to teachers like that. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. It sounds like he was sensitive as well and very in tune with other things out there that we can't always see. It's precious, it's in your blood, and I think when you feel like that, maybe you're able to sit and cry with him? Grief is odd and comes when it wants. My grandmother didn't cry when my grandfather died. And I didn't cry at my mother's ceremony, although I've certainly made up for it since. Sometimes, nearly 16 years later, I curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out. Sometimes I pretend she's right there with me. In the memoir-turned-novel I've been writing – for eons – there is an afterlife (that's where the character of my mom is). There's so much we don't know, but I believe if we stop long enough to listen, we hear and feel what we're supposed to. I think more people need to stop and breathe and feel. But many are afraid if they do that, they might disintegrate. I'm with ya on Thích Nhất Hạnh; he def has some pretty incredible things to say. Have you also read Sogyal Rinpoche's "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"? A friend sent that to me when my mom died. It's a keeper. Thank you, again, for sharing. And also LOVE the photos! Love and hugs and tissues to you! xo
Thank you. No, I haven't read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It's true, there's much we don't know and just experiencing the moment, the feelings that may or may not make sense is, as you put it, is so lovingly human. Thank you for that, it's a sweet thing to say.
I cried when I wrote parts of this. I think it just came with the remembering. It's not something I've thought about. I suppose that's good, that I don't revisit embarrassing moments of my life like a bad playlist.
I appreciate you sharing your vulnerable moments, too, Anne-Julia. I suppose sensitivity is a like "being in tune" and that's a wonderful quality. I never thought of it like that. Hugs and kisses and the whole box of tissues right back at ya, xxoo
Thanks, Jeffrey, that means a lot. Yes, it's a great photo. I'm glad I ended up using it.
And thanks for the article, I just finished it. It's fascinating that science is still trying to grapple with 'non-scientifically' explained phenomena such as consciousness and death.
Such deep sadness in between the sentences here - and the photos really add to this. Your dad has an open face, full of kindness and intelligence and your 'grandmother' is an absolute babe! Great looking family, it has to be said. I completely and totally relate to so much that you say here and you say it so well. I did not cry at my parent's funerals either and thought that was so weird and wrong, I felt ashamed about it - and even though there were many people in a formal line-up at my mum's funeral I cannot recall any faces, just blankness with a corona of hair. I think it was shock for sure. I don't think you should ever perceive being "sensitive and easily moved" as character flaws or a weakness - these feelings are sometimes unwelcome but they've also made you a more empathetic person and an excellent writer. A super brave, vulnerable piece today, Lani. Very impressed. P.S. I have read Thích Nhất Hạnh as well and in fact, use the Plum Village app!
Thanks, Sue. Yeah, my father is the most handsome man, in my opinion, obviously, but it's nice to hear it too! And my grandma was a real character, never saw her with white hair, almost always looked done up, so when I discovered this photo, it was affirming in it's retro way. 😀
And thank you for sharing that you didn't cry either. I've never met anyone else who's admitted this. I understand it though because of the shock and when there's so much to do.
Yes, I agree sensitivity is not a character flaw, but I did see it was a weakness, until I realized it can be a strength as well. And happy to meet another Thích Nhất Hạnh fan! I should read more from him as his books are short and easy to read. xxoo
My heart goes out to you and I’m so, so sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. 😫. glad you are able to cry. I have a hard time doing that. I read a lot of books on near death experiences when my dad was sick and dying, and after my mom got sick. It was comforting. One of my favorites is by Mary Neal, a spine surgeon who died and came back - it gave me hope and comfort. Life is not easy- blessings and peace to you ❤️
Thank you, Alice. That was rather a remarkable thing to do, read about near death experiences when your parents were sick. And thank you for your recommendation. I'll look into Mary Neal. xxoo
That photo: they looked very hip for their time! Very different from my family.
Do you know the cause of your father's death?
I'm glad that there was a way a few years back, to discover and let go of your tears.
There are have been some tragedies in my extended family and 1 of them, we just have skeletal info. so far. My paternal grandfather died by suicide. My father took that knowledge to his grave. He didn't want his children to know. And my mother kept that 'secret' also for so long. We only learned of this 2 yrs. ago.
Hi Jean, yes, my father died in an accident. He was hit by a bus while driving a motorbike in Thailand.
Sorry to hear about your grandfather. I think parentals try to protect us, or are ashamed, or they want to avoid questions, so they hide the truth from us. I'm not saying it's okay, just trying to understand the whys.
That's a very moving piece, Lani. Thank you for sharing such vulnerable experiences. Yes, one of the most typical responsed to losing a loved on (especially in children) is anger!
I like the phrase “the Earth needs your tears.” In my understanding it's about being our whole selves, not shutting out any emotions, which we perceive as negative. Our tears are part of who we are.
You know, I almost took the “the Earth needs your tears” part out because it seemed too hippy-dippy (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and because of my husband's reaction to it, but when I told him I was going to delete it, he told me to keep it in.
Lovely piece! love the photos of your dad (also your grandma is so fabulous!). I used to never cry - I always thought I was dead inside but since I started therapy and opening up being vulnerable I cry all the time (like an overwhelming amount, it's kind of embarrassing). Its like 20 years of holding in my tears are coming out. Everyone processes sadness in different ways and different times so I try to embrace all my emotions.
I’m so glad you’re finally letting it all hang out, so to speak. This is so important, I believe, to release pent up emotions as a way of processing them. Thanks, Ellina, xo
If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, surely you know Donne’s poem, by virtue of your tag, blessings
No man is an island,
Entire of itself;
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less,
As well as if a promontory were:
As well as if a manor of thy friend's
Or of thine own were.
Any man's death diminishes me,
Because I am involved in mankind.
And therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls;
It tolls for thee.
I haven't read it in its entirety, so thank you for this! 🙌🙌🙌
[And sorry for the late response, I haven't been getting notifications]
Gosh this is so beautiful. I read somewhere (I believe it was Lama Rod Owens) who mentioned that the earth can hold your emotions. If it's too much, ask the earth to hold it for you. Maybe the tears are energy we release. And we need this passing and receiving of energy to feel and be alive. At least, that's my interpretation anyway.
Thank you, Sarah. ❤️ I have never heard of the 'Earth holding our emotions' and asking her to hold it for you. That's profound and a gentle way to ask for help. Yes, we need to release all those pent-up emotions and for women, it's tears. It's so obvious when you put it that way. 🙃 Cheers, xo
Meaningful story that is beautifully written! I feel like I got swept along in your memory. I am someone who used to keep all the tears inside her too, but now I allow it to flow, though I still have the automatic urge to stop it, old habits die hard, but I will take over and allow myself to continue crying. It does the soul good. I just wrote about how I have dealt with grief for now. But an unanswered question still plagues me. I too ask myself this question a lot too, and still, after my dad passed on two years ago, on where is he now? Where do we all go? Will we ever meet again?
Thanks for the restack, Rachel, and for your words. Yes, I believe it does do the soul good. Sometimes I feel cleansed, for lack of a better word, after crying. Maybe it's just the sinuses 🙂 And yes, the mystery continues, but that's okay. It's all part of the cycle of life. I'll check out your post, cheers.
Beautiful, Lani. I love seeing the photos of your father with that beautiful smile. You favor him, I think. I am perhaps the weepiest person I know, except for a cousin of mine--so maybe it's partly genetic. (Also probably partly perimenopause.) Did I tell you about basically weeping while getting Ross Gay to sign my copy of his book, The Book of Delights? There were things I wanted to say, like thank you, and you have brightened my world, but I mostly blubbered. It was embarrassing but I had a lovely friend there with me who was like, you're OK. I'm so sorry you lost your dad so young, and if there's anything right in the world his spirit is someplace really wonderful where he can get a glimpse of you anytime he likes!
Thanks so much, Rebecca. I've got a story to make you feel better about Ross Gay. And I'm glad you had a friend with you and Ross was probably quite touched. 😘 So, this happened when I went to The Mall of America, which had this Peanuts themed (park???) inside and when I saw Snoopy (yes, I know there was a person inside), I teared up. I have a photo of the two of us and you can see my glistening eyes. 🫣 I know, I'm a doofus. But glad to meet another sensitive soul! xo
I absolutely love that!
This is beautiful and vulnerable and so lovingly human. Thank you for sharing. My mom was often told she was too sensitive. She was also left-handed and as a child treated horribly by teachers because of it. I definitely have a few harsh words to say to teachers like that. I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. It sounds like he was sensitive as well and very in tune with other things out there that we can't always see. It's precious, it's in your blood, and I think when you feel like that, maybe you're able to sit and cry with him? Grief is odd and comes when it wants. My grandmother didn't cry when my grandfather died. And I didn't cry at my mother's ceremony, although I've certainly made up for it since. Sometimes, nearly 16 years later, I curl up into a ball and bawl my eyes out. Sometimes I pretend she's right there with me. In the memoir-turned-novel I've been writing – for eons – there is an afterlife (that's where the character of my mom is). There's so much we don't know, but I believe if we stop long enough to listen, we hear and feel what we're supposed to. I think more people need to stop and breathe and feel. But many are afraid if they do that, they might disintegrate. I'm with ya on Thích Nhất Hạnh; he def has some pretty incredible things to say. Have you also read Sogyal Rinpoche's "The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying"? A friend sent that to me when my mom died. It's a keeper. Thank you, again, for sharing. And also LOVE the photos! Love and hugs and tissues to you! xo
Thank you. No, I haven't read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying. It's true, there's much we don't know and just experiencing the moment, the feelings that may or may not make sense is, as you put it, is so lovingly human. Thank you for that, it's a sweet thing to say.
I cried when I wrote parts of this. I think it just came with the remembering. It's not something I've thought about. I suppose that's good, that I don't revisit embarrassing moments of my life like a bad playlist.
I appreciate you sharing your vulnerable moments, too, Anne-Julia. I suppose sensitivity is a like "being in tune" and that's a wonderful quality. I never thought of it like that. Hugs and kisses and the whole box of tissues right back at ya, xxoo
Love this <3
Thanks!
Absolutely beautiful piece Lani, I’m sorry to read about your dad’s passing. And I’m glad that you kept in ‘the Earth needs your tears’.
Thank you for sharing the photos too.
Thanks, Sarah. It was definitely a personal post -- and you never know how it's going to land. Cheers.
I found this a very moving piece, Lani. I'm sorry to hear about your early loss. I love that first photo of your grandmother and father, by the way. T
here was an interesting piece on the study of near-death experiences in the Guardian recently: https://www.theguardian.com/society/2024/apr/02/new-science-of-death-brain-activity-consciousness-near-death-experience
Thanks, Jeffrey, that means a lot. Yes, it's a great photo. I'm glad I ended up using it.
And thanks for the article, I just finished it. It's fascinating that science is still trying to grapple with 'non-scientifically' explained phenomena such as consciousness and death.
Yes - even sleep!
Lani, you made me crying with you in that college classroom. ❤️
Awww. Thanks, Yi. ❤️
Such deep sadness in between the sentences here - and the photos really add to this. Your dad has an open face, full of kindness and intelligence and your 'grandmother' is an absolute babe! Great looking family, it has to be said. I completely and totally relate to so much that you say here and you say it so well. I did not cry at my parent's funerals either and thought that was so weird and wrong, I felt ashamed about it - and even though there were many people in a formal line-up at my mum's funeral I cannot recall any faces, just blankness with a corona of hair. I think it was shock for sure. I don't think you should ever perceive being "sensitive and easily moved" as character flaws or a weakness - these feelings are sometimes unwelcome but they've also made you a more empathetic person and an excellent writer. A super brave, vulnerable piece today, Lani. Very impressed. P.S. I have read Thích Nhất Hạnh as well and in fact, use the Plum Village app!
Thanks, Sue. Yeah, my father is the most handsome man, in my opinion, obviously, but it's nice to hear it too! And my grandma was a real character, never saw her with white hair, almost always looked done up, so when I discovered this photo, it was affirming in it's retro way. 😀
And thank you for sharing that you didn't cry either. I've never met anyone else who's admitted this. I understand it though because of the shock and when there's so much to do.
Yes, I agree sensitivity is not a character flaw, but I did see it was a weakness, until I realized it can be a strength as well. And happy to meet another Thích Nhất Hạnh fan! I should read more from him as his books are short and easy to read. xxoo
My heart goes out to you and I’m so, so sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. 😫. glad you are able to cry. I have a hard time doing that. I read a lot of books on near death experiences when my dad was sick and dying, and after my mom got sick. It was comforting. One of my favorites is by Mary Neal, a spine surgeon who died and came back - it gave me hope and comfort. Life is not easy- blessings and peace to you ❤️
Thank you, Alice. That was rather a remarkable thing to do, read about near death experiences when your parents were sick. And thank you for your recommendation. I'll look into Mary Neal. xxoo
Mary Neal has a good Ted talk actually if you want to short version of her story😅
I was looking for hope. I’m glad ceasing to exist is not the final outcome of death. Mary Neal’s story is incredible ❤️
Thanks, Alice. I will check her out.
Beautiful piece — and your grandmother’s dress…well, I’d fall off the couch if I found a photo of either of my grandmothers looking so stylish.
Thanks, Joy. It was a fun photo to find.
A good friend of mine once told me. The more you cry, the less you pee!
🤣 I wish it worked that way, but alas, it does not. 🤣
That photo: they looked very hip for their time! Very different from my family.
Do you know the cause of your father's death?
I'm glad that there was a way a few years back, to discover and let go of your tears.
There are have been some tragedies in my extended family and 1 of them, we just have skeletal info. so far. My paternal grandfather died by suicide. My father took that knowledge to his grave. He didn't want his children to know. And my mother kept that 'secret' also for so long. We only learned of this 2 yrs. ago.
Hi Jean, yes, my father died in an accident. He was hit by a bus while driving a motorbike in Thailand.
Sorry to hear about your grandfather. I think parentals try to protect us, or are ashamed, or they want to avoid questions, so they hide the truth from us. I'm not saying it's okay, just trying to understand the whys.
That's a very moving piece, Lani. Thank you for sharing such vulnerable experiences. Yes, one of the most typical responsed to losing a loved on (especially in children) is anger!
I like the phrase “the Earth needs your tears.” In my understanding it's about being our whole selves, not shutting out any emotions, which we perceive as negative. Our tears are part of who we are.
Thank you. I like your definition.
You know, I almost took the “the Earth needs your tears” part out because it seemed too hippy-dippy (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and because of my husband's reaction to it, but when I told him I was going to delete it, he told me to keep it in.